my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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