A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
