so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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