i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
