It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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