This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
