I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
