Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You ruined the universe
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
