You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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