i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
