Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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