i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
