I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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