She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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