I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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