WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
