I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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