just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
