I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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