I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
