1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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