I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
high people should be assigned attendants
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
