awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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