There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
