I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize