she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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