I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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