New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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