So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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