I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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