I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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