I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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