I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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