if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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