Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
