yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize