that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize