Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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