I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize