now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
