I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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