i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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