living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I smell like Dick and happiness
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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