i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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