Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
