I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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