I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
