i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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