To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
