The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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