eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
