Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
