I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
