So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
