Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
