i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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