My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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