I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
