Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
